January 14, 2014

angst on angst


"i haven't even left for london yet and i already don't want to come home" / is the first idea in my cascading chain of mindless worrying.

it's not that home is an awful place, it's been good these past few weeks but everything is so static. i can never see myself living here for more than a month (because as we saw last summer = #no) and there are just so many god damn things to do in the world besides decaying in the suburbs.

i know that i won't get to go to all the places i want to go and i have to remind myself there is more time in my life to do so. i am there to live in london, primarily - and i will get to do the traveling i want.

i just get so worried about these little things, like not being able to go to all the places i've craved about going to since forever, what i'm going to do when i have to (inevitably) return to the u.s., where i'm going to live next semester because i can't make my friends sublet if i leave because i don't know whether or not i want to go to cuba in the spring semester, whether or not i'll be working this summer, because i have to find an internship to busy myself with because in no way am i staying home, because the system dictates that in order to make your way through the job world you have to "network" and "intern" in competition of numbers and people and things, because i made a resume the other day and it's sort of pathetic, because everything in life costs money and it's about time i won the lottery and i'm already stuck in a pit of tuition debt, because i just want to simply live and travel (i suppose, like everyone else - ideally without responsibilities but we all know the probability of that), because i don't want to grow up and end up like all the adults around me living in the swirling doom of suburbia because i seriously cannot spend my life like that, because this probably all swirls back to my innate fear of abandonment and just being an all around failure at life.

yup, that pretty much sums everything up. writing is therapeutic and it helps me think and i usually look back at these and smh at them. i need to remind myself i've already been given so many opportunities in life -  i'm an overall well off, healthy, privileged, educated person - that things will work themselves out or something along those lines. so pardon my angst as it is, however, characteristic of my age group. oh and yes, the two photos were taken yesterday in soho when i took jasmine and maggie eating around the city.