June 30, 2013

rambles: photography school

i've always been self taught. i've learned what i know from the internet and countless hours fiddling on photoshop. so my decision to go to school for photography always poked at my pride. i liked being self taught. i liked never taking a class before. but then i realized that if i went to school for anything else i would not be as happy. could i have gone to school for anthropology, psychology, biology, or even law? probably. but this was such a unique experience, living in new york city and studying the craft that is my life and being exposed to so many opportunities and new ways of thinking - i couldn't say no.

sometimes i get mad or angry or just frustrated and jealous that i'm not shooting around the world and doing this as my job without schooling. but i have to remember, success is a mysterious cocktail and just because some people have found success through the internet and their own accords does not necessarily mean i will. when you think about it, there are only a few of them that have this kind of self made success. maybe it's not for everyone, maybe it's not for me.

the thing is, i love school. i love learning. even though right now i'm in an art school (per say), i am still going to pursue a double major in psychology. why? because i just really fucking love learning. so could i have gone to school for a different discipline and been happy? yes. i would have been perfectly happy studying genetics or bio of something like that. but then my life would become more tests, more worrying about grades, following a strict regiment and to prep myself for grad school or i don't know. maybe not. i guess the reason why i didn't choose the "independent" pathway is because i wanted to go to college. i don't want to be in the real world right now. i wanted to live in a dorm and have room mates and go to class and school events and just live in the "protective" school world for just a little bit longer. i'm not just paying for my degree, i'm paying for the experience of being in college and what i do with my degree rests all on me.

life is more than what you do with your subjective major. people can get degrees in english, painting, spanish, math, dance, finance, chemistry....it's what you so with yourself. some fields are more keen on employment but just because you won't be making a huge salary does not mean it isn't worth it.

then sometimes i get to thinking that maybe i am just not good enough and that i'm simply fooling myself. but i can't measure my "success" right now just because i haven't shot anything or had any internships. by measuring my worth by external "commercial" sources is not what i want to do or should do. i remind myself, my body of work may not be great - but i know where i want to take it and i know i can make it so.

i don't want to plan my life, i just want it to be an adventure full of surprises. i want to volunteer abroad, i want to find an story i'm passionate about and take a million pictures, i want to live everywhere. i know i have the determination and ambition to do what i want, i guess sometimes when i stay at home for too long (it's been over a month at home) i get restless and terribly bored.

i can never forget that i cannot let anyone else define my own success but me. i cannot judge my life with other people's lives and measure what each of us has done. it doesn't work like that. just because i get a job at a company i revere does not mean "i've made it." it's all on me to do what i want and there is no point fussing.

eh, these rambles are just to hash out my ideas and feels. these are my feels don't take me too seriously. i blame the economy and government for all of this.