july in new jersey

i go through "phases" let's say, where i feel the passion of blogging burn though my veins and i dedicate an entire day to changing the layout and organizing my tags and feeling determined that i will blog all the photos from last semester and everything i missed. today is one of those days. i've asked my little sister to draw me up a cute header that will hopefully be up soon, but for now i've been playing around with the header and sorting through photos.

i would make this an iphone diary post, but alas it was stolen by a gypsy child in paris much to my sadness so you'll have to contend with my words.

adjusting back from abroad was hard. suddenly i was just home, almost as if it didn't happen and taken from the unknown and adventurous right back to the familiar and old. but this past month i've slowly acclimated myself back to the US and life - and everything is familiar but it does feel different because i have ~matured~ and *~*~*changed*~*~*~ * - throws glitter around-  home has been good, it might be because i've been in and out of the city the few last week - ripping my hair from it's roots trying to find an apartment with tess. (it's so stressful i can't even tangibly put it to words). and when i'm not apartment hunting i'm just wandering around and spending time with friends. the balance between hectic city and quiet home has actually made it quite good to be back. i love waking up in the morning to have coffee with my mom from her new french press and sitting out in the backyard under the shade with kira. (i've also found myself a fun sleep/night dress to swish around in so i'm never wearing pants it's glorious).

i'm reorganizing my portfolio as of now, making a new section of portraiture dedicated to the people i have developed close photographic relationships to. basically i want to get across that these photos aren't just aesthetic, random shots - but photos of people i care deeply about and almost an exploration of their relationship with me and with passing time. and now, after five years i actually have a body of work to work with. more on that later, though.

and i have been watching buffy and adventure time, and increasing have become the earl of lemongrab when i am frustrated to everyone's delight. so yes, i'm making lists and getting my life together and gearing up for the coming school year - i'm excited and happy and i feel FRESH AND NEW.

my grandma has been visiting from taiwan the last month, so these photos are from a family bbq a few days ago.

my cousin, my grandma, and me

how to travel around europe, by an american student

people have been asking me about my traveling/upcoming travel and how one goes about such a thing, so i thought would compile my thoughts here. this is from the point of view of an american girl who has been in london for a few months - so this advice is geared toward non-europeans studying abroad/trying to make the most of their time and money. i've planned travel to a bunch of places so i'm in no ways an expert but this is based on SOME fact at least lol.

first off, tripadvisor - yelp - lonely planet forums are your friends. they often will tell you the best places to go and the best methods to go about doing things. the way i plan travel is first 1) thinking of a place 2) researching the location 3) researching travel 4) look up a place to live. this process is not easy and can get more hairy the more people there are going on the trip. let's start.

• transportation

regarding transportation, there are a couple ways to go about it. airplane, bus, and train. going by air will always be the fastest way to travel. there are two main budget airlines than function in europe: ryanair and easyjet. the ticket prices vary dramatically and can double on the more desirable days. if you are studying abroad, this is a bit of an issue because the tickets usually are the cheapest during tuesday-wednesday...aka when we have class. flying in europe won't take longer than a few hours, and you'll arrive at your destination pretty refreshed and ready to take on the day. problems? your luggage. remember, weight limits! when traveling (the cheaper way) on ground, it takes longer and you have to factor in your mental state when you arrive at said destination. i'm took easyjet to prague and i've taken ryanair from dublin to london. you get what you pay for, and people have varying opinions on these budget airlines so it's up to you.

traveling by train in europe is the second fastest - but can get rather expensive at times. if the prices work for you, go for it. i took the eurostar from london to paris (and back) and it was amazing. within two hours we were there, and the stations are located in prime locations. eurostar tickets are normally very expensive, but we bought it months ahead of time and snagged a deal for around £60. during my spring break, i took a train from berlin to budapest and let's say it wasn't as enjoyable. i thought i booked a cabin (no beds) for an overnight ride with my four friends, but when we got to the train they turned out to be regular joe seats - which resulted into a terrible's night's sleep. take a gander, it's up to you!

bus,  i think, is the most affordable way to go about - but not the most enjoyable. it's actually not bad at all, you're just sitting on a bus for around 5-8 hours. companies like megabus will have awesome bargain prices ($10 to paris!) but the times have to coordinate with your schedule. national express has really good prices too and runs in a lot of european countries. although buses are the cheapest, remember it's not the best way to get a night of sleep and it's tiring when you arrive at a place on little/no sleep. just keep that in mind especially if you take things like "sail and rail" that ask you to take trains, ferries, and buses on the same trip - it's very time consuming and often not worth the amount of money you save. (in me and my friend's humble opinions after taking a 7 hour trip to dublin vs the 1 hour pain free flight).

when planning travel, i think the most important thing to look at are the domestic websites. it will take you away from the well designed and comforting area of english sites, but often times if you take the domestic buses (that have international lines) you'll save a lot of money. ex: a hungarian bus line called "orangeways" has great deals but none of the times worked for us. we're took a train called mav-start from budapest to zagreb, and although the site isn't the most english friendly thing in the world it's got great deals.  

• living 

for students there are two options for living in europe. hostels or airbnb. hostels seem to have a negative connotation in american society - but they are not bad at all. rather, they're an awesome way to live while traveling because many hostels are geared toward young travelers on a budget. you'll meet people traveling around just like you and it's honestly a ton of fun. we met a ton of people traveling solo who befriend people in their hostel and end up hanging out in that city, or even another one because everyone is traveling around. sites like hostelworld provide extensive reviews and information on hostels around the world. things to note are: reception times and whether or not the hostel provides towels/breakfast/sheets/etc. hostels are usually the cheapest option - going for ~$10 a night - and many hostels arrange events as well. so all in all, make sure you read the reviews and research the location. there are also higher end hostels if you have the money for it.

the second option is airbnb. airbnb is basically a site for apartment rentals. basically someone has an apartment in which you pay a certain amount for a night - there is an allotted amount of people who can stay at said room, it's usually the best option if you have large groups and you're all traveling the same amount of days. i have had great experiences with airbnb, but like always make sure you read the reviews and double check the location in relation to the city.

hotels aren't really something you need to do, but if you want a hotel go for it. it's not as immersive as the first two, but it's an option for sharing as well. 

•  other general tips 
• esp when traveling in a group - establish up front what places you want to go to and make sure you guys have similar priorities. do not embark on trips with big groups. it will not work. (or it might, as long as people are ok with splitting up and are flexible)
• shit happens. don't get caught up if mishaps occur, just keep an open mind and know that freaking out gets nothing done. find a wifi source (cafe), sit down, and figure it out. it's okay that if you lose sometime, rather you lose a little bit of time than the entire weekend.
• if you need to nap, nap. if you want to go bed early one night, do it. wake up earlier the next morning and get a headstart. if you are tired and grumpy no one will have a good time, and it puts your body at a higher risk of getting ill.
• building on that, it's impossible to fully comprehend a city in just one weekend/a few days. you have to know going into the city, you are not going to do everything. just try and accomplish the things you want. maybe do some touristy things and then just walk around. in amsterdam, we did not end up going to the anne frank house but we got to wander the canals and go to various different places to eat. 
• just walk around with a loose idea in mind. it helps if you have a destination in mind, but slowly wander your way there and absorb the city along the way.
• on the flipside, it does help a lot if you do prior research, but it doesn't have to be super extensive. that might depend on the size of the city. smaller cities simply need you to walk around for a day and you might see everything. like cardiff and amsterdam are perfect for a leisurely wander. larger cities, you have to pick which tourist destinations you want to check out and then map out walking "paths" you can take. cities like london, paris, budapest are much larger and have much more to see. you'll have to pick a neighborhood to wander in if you have less time, for example. you have to check the opening times of the places, whether or not you need a ticket, if you can buy said ticket online for cheaper, etc. everything in europe closes early and sometimes on random days. it sucks.
• asking friends who have been to those places is the best advice - they'll let you know places to see and places to eat and which areas have the best nightlife/culture/vibe.
• if you have a friend (no matter how close) that lives in the city, ask to stay with them and/or take you around. their tours will be better than anyone you could find or do on your own.
• GOOGLE MAPS CAN LOAD OFFLINE. it's called okmaps! when you have wifi, type in ok maps - select the city or area you are in, and download! the gps will work on airplane mode. if it does not, turn off your cellular data and don't use airplane mode. don't worry, you won't get charged.
• money wise: take out cash when you get there. many cards will work abroad, make sure you double check before, and will ask you to pay a transaction fee. go to the ATM in the beginning and withdraw money once - so you won't have to continually get charged the fees. (they're usually under $5 i believe. and don't click the converted amount! click the US dollar amount.)
• as always, bring adapters that suit your country.
• when traveling around where some places won't have towels - don't bring your entire bath towel. either cut a square off or buy a hand towel, it's really all you need to dry yourself.
• HYDRATE YOURSELF. we forgot this so many times because most of the time i don't consciously think about drinking water. always have a water bottle with you and drink liberally, you'll get randomly fatigued from dehydration.
• sneakers. sneakers. sneakers.
• no one cares how you look like, pack light! find nice basics that you can wear over and over. my friends and i basically wore one outfit per city (and we went to five or so places). you will never wear all your clothes, so pack light pack light!

all in all it's not as intimidating or expensive as it seems to be - it just requires patience, planning, and a relaxed approach and u basically got it~ often times it's not the relaxing vacation you think it'll be, but an adventure. and it's 100% worth it.

okay! that's all i have for now - please leave comments if you have anything to add and i hope this sort of helped. weeee.

white cliffs of dover

i want to first preface saying that i am grateful for everything i have in life: i am already luckier than millions of people. i'm healthy, i have a family, and i can afford to go to school. but seeing as this is my blog, i have a few things to say (even if they ooze major first world problems,  it's still relevant).

sometimes i hear my peers express their jealousy about how lucky i am to be here, in a way that sounded like this was just handed to me on a serving platter. my sister too (who is going through the same wanderlust and anxiety about the future that plagued me during high school), and i wanted to tell her that me being where i am isn't just a roll of the dice, but rather hard work and patience. again, i'm not saying i haven't had a lucky life (because i have) but my point is that i didn't rely on luck to get me where i am.

i didn't do much in high school, my parents were pretty strict on one hand and we couldn't afford to travel - so i spent most of my time in my room doing homework and perusing the internet, biding my time until i could see the world. seeing photographs from around the world made me burn inside, i loved my sweet suburban town but it was too dry for me and there was just so much color and life to see. some kids get to travel the world with the parents, and i wasn't one of them but that didn't mean that i could do it too.

it was junior year of high school when we read the poem "dover beach" and i don't remember getting much from the poem (after reading 5 million poems about old english guys ranting about the tragic beauty of the world it all kind of blends together.) rather it was when my teacher pulled up a google image search of the cliffs that the white cliffs of dover stamped an impression on me. sitting there in those weird high school desks conjoined with plastic blue chairs, i decided that i was going to go to the cliffs. i didn't know when or how in my life i'd do it...but i was going to do it. and i did.

i was always taught that if i wanted something in life, i would have to work for it. it's not worth it if it's just given to you, life is not that easy. all those kids having their parents buy them shiny new cars for their sixteenth birthday wouldn't ever really understand the ~virtues~ of sweat and work. so i worked my ass off in high school to get into a good college, and from there i spent all my time working to save up enough money to afford travel. i didn't pick up my bags and ask my parents to send me off to another country for an adventure - rather this abroad experience has been years in the making. i am forever grateful for everything in my life, but i worked for it.

the bus rolled up and ashley, gaby, g, and i walked out and just like the photos - there it was. the incredible cliffs snaking into the distance with grassy plains and hills. to finally be there: standing at the edge with the wind blowing the air out of my lungs and seeing the waves crash against the chalky white cliffs i felt so small but *cue dramatic instrumental music and voiceover that signals an important change in character development* that i could do it. i fucking just accomplished something i set out to do and once thought was improbable. it's not a picture, it's real life. my dreams are not impossible and everything in life will work itself out. in one way or another, i was going to be okay.

the first week

as of today i have been living in london for a week and, amongst the many things i have discovered, the british not refrigerating their eggs in the supermarkets is one of them.

people always speak of culture shock and, as always, it's one thing to hear about it and another to feel it. i was never intimidated by the thought to jumping into a new culture: for i was going to country that also spoke english and being a child from two cultures - this wasn't a new concept. but it's a lot to take in at once, especially for someone who over thinks everything in life (surprise, me).

nothing felt real during the first few days. everything was disorienting (due to a weird cocktail of sleep deprivation, weariness, and anxiety) because you're no longer in new york city (a place you know like the back of your hand) but in a strange new city with new rules and new roads, because you want to have an amazing time but you don't know where to start, because every moment not spend doing something exciting feels like time wasted, because you realize that you will not get to travel everywhere you want to go in the mere four months you have and there is so much you are dying to see, because you are away from home and even though it's what you've wanted for forever it's still isn't easy to uproot yourself. all of the sudden, you're a freshman moving to a new city for the first time all over again, overwhelmed by all the possible things to do to a point of confusion and frustration.



you put pressure on yourself to live your life! but that's really not how life works. it also doesn't help going through all the travel blogs people post on facebook because you subconsciously start comparing your experience with other people's in a quiet race of who is the winner of a nonexistent competition. you start to feel like your experience isn't anything special at all at all, that we're just partaking in some pre-made template of a coming-of-age story. the american finally opens their eyes to the world! or something of those sorts that you see over and over again. but who am i to say, isn't that what i'm doing right now? but as victoria, who usually says the right things and is also in paris for the entire year, told me: yeah, we're studying abroad. we're not special. but at the same time entire experience, and the lessons you learn and the memories you make, are very very personal and individual.



after some time the initial anxieties and feelings of displacement fade away and you realize slowly and then all at once, that you're no longer sitting in a cafe in new york, but you're across the atlantic in london trying to differentiate between the million different coins the british have without trying to look too much of a nub. that everything you were worried about before really didn't matter in the long run and that you just had to stop and catch your breath. maybe it was when ashley and i booked our £66 round trip to paris in may i suddenly felt like it was happening. it's this weird jittery feeling in my stomach that i'm finally getting to do what i've always wanted to do: i'm living in london for the love of god and i couldn't be more happy about it. even though it's been sort of drizzly every day (thank you weather, for making it the wettest january london has had in a while) i sort of like that we came in the winter. the weather outside isn't exactly promoting exploring at this moment, i like the idea that london is only going to get better as time goes on.



i don't like that they don't refrigerate their eggs because even though i can't think of why you should refrigerate them it doesn't seem right to NOT refrigerate them because god. i don't like that the pound to dollar conversion is awful because it makes london so expensive compared to the US even though the prices "look" the same. i also don't like how crossing the street is an entire task on its own, including me having to look in all 20 directions for oncoming cars. i, however, love the little blinking "zebras" that give pedestrians right of way. i like bloomsbury (in the borough of camden), the neighborhood i live in, because it's frankly adorable. i love the short houses and charming architecture with their cute ass windows. i love pubs (like the one laina, ashley, kaya, and i went to the first night and tried to order something without looking like middle schoolers). i love that we can drink here and simply walk into any place that serves alcohol and order a pint. just like that. the cider is delicious and the freedom of having a pint whenever i please is a very exciting feeling. i like mecklenburgh square because it's tucked away in a nice and quiet corner in bustling london. i love that i live in the same neighborhood of famous writers and other academia and that i walk past the british museum every day. i love it when in class, we can talk about something - point out the window and there it is. i love the history of this place and that you can still see bits of the roman wall around london. i fucking love their accents and also their chocolate. and i love that their winter is my version of a chilly fall day.



for those who don't know, i'm currently studying at NYU-London which has it's own perks and downfalls. (one perk being that all the classes i am taking are completely on track with the classes i need to take and a downfall being not able to fully assimilate with british students in a british university) a part of me wanted to be ripped off the face of the earth and thrown into everything unknown but likewise it is very comforting to have friends from home. in the end, is more than one way to study abroad - so i'm not too worried about it all.

the first week of classes went well: i'm taking a cinema class, two psych courses, and an architecture/history course which entails us exploring london for three hours every thursday. classes only meet one day a week, in three hour blocks, and they've given us fridays off so i really can't complain at all. i've learned quite a lot of about the history and culture of the UK and can now locate my flat from a map. it's starting to feel more like home and i feel prepared to start wandering around and finding all the little surprises london has. i'm not going to lie, sometimes i'll randomly start to miss new york city: the noise, the subway, the lights, and the sheer chaos of it all. i'll see something or do something foolish and think to myself that in new york i would have never made that mistake - but honey, this isn't new york anymore. but, honestly, i wouldn't want to be anywhere else but where i am right now: by the window in my bloomsbury flat looking out at the sun (finally peeking out behind the gray clouds that have plagued the entire afternoon)  dance off the freshly rained puddles inlaid in the cobblestone streets.

(not that many photos yet, but don't worry more will come! first photo is ashley in our flat and the next few are snaps taken from the bus tour during the first three days. and also just an fyi: this is my first time in london and even though i went to paris/barcelona/madrid in 2012 this is my first ~real~ time in europe.)

bon voyage?

our flight didn't happen yesterday. i woke up to a snow storm raging outside and little red letters: cancelled. after an initial freak out and a very helpful british man from the virgin atlantic customer service department - our flight was moved 24 hours into the future. facebook is a weird things, and one of the weird things is seeing all everyone arrive in london this morning (if things went according to plan ashley and i would be there right now) while i'm still a world away. regardless, we will be on the plane tonight and get there bright and early thursday morning.

don't get me wrong, i'm beyond excited and thrilled to be living in london for the next four months - but some part of me wanted to go somewhere far away where i would simply just fall off the earth for a little bit. nyu london is very tied into my life at nyu and my life in new jersey (with seemingly everyone i know studying abroad there) which is not a bad thing! it's just strange to see so many connections to home - a place i sort of don't want connections too.

i met megan breukelman the other day when i was in the city! we had known each other for years from deviantart and i was wonderful to finally meet in da flesh. i took a handful of medium format shots but most of them turned out blurry because i, despite what i may think, do not have the stability of a tripod. the last two photos were just files of francesca and my home that were from failed rolls.




now, i am off to spend a ludicrous amount of money on a moleskine because i don't care if they're overrated they are beautiful and make me happy.

angst on angst

"i haven't even left for london yet and i already don't want to come home" / is the first idea in my cascading chain of mindless worrying.

it's not that home is an awful place, it's been good these past few weeks but everything is so static. i can never see myself living here for more than a month (because as we saw last summer = #no) and there are just so many god damn things to do in the world besides decaying in the suburbs.

i know that i won't get to go to all the places i want to go and i have to remind myself there is more time in my life to do so. i am there to live in london, primarily - and i will get to do the traveling i want.

i just get so worried about these little things, like not being able to go to all the places i've craved about going to since forever, what i'm going to do when i have to (inevitably) return to the u.s., where i'm going to live next semester because i can't make my friends sublet if i leave because i don't know whether or not i want to go to cuba in the spring semester, whether or not i'll be working this summer, because i have to find an internship to busy myself with because in no way am i staying home, because the system dictates that in order to make your way through the job world you have to "network" and "intern" in competition of numbers and people and things, because i made a resume the other day and it's sort of pathetic, because everything in life costs money and it's about time i won the lottery and i'm already stuck in a pit of tuition debt, because i just want to simply live and travel (i suppose, like everyone else - ideally without responsibilities but we all know the probability of that), because i don't want to grow up and end up like all the adults around me living in the swirling doom of suburbia because i seriously cannot spend my life like that, because this probably all swirls back to my innate fear of abandonment and just being an all around failure at life.

yup, that pretty much sums everything up. writing is therapeutic and it helps me think and i usually look back at these and smh at them. i need to remind myself i've already been given so many opportunities in life -  i'm an overall well off, healthy, privileged, educated person - that things will work themselves out or something along those lines. so pardon my angst as it is, however, characteristic of my age group. oh and yes, the two photos were taken yesterday in soho when i took jasmine and maggie eating around the city.

summer blues

i am a creature of relaxation and chaos, to put it poetically. i love being busy. i love making lists and schedules and reaching my destination out of breath but ready to sit down with a nice cup of coffee. i love it when i make a busy day and i get everything done on time, it's so incredibly satisfying.

i also really enjoy spending a day sitting on my ass and doing nothing except winding down, watching shows on my laptop, editing photos, or reading. but to me, these days are sacred. when encountered in large quantities, instead of making me a happy little potato it actually gives me a case of the summer blues.

there are times when i feel sad and pretty empty because i'm stuck in my boring house in my boring town laying on my bed just scrolling endlessly through tumblr and looking up internship and awesome volunteering opportunities and things i won't get and all these people living their life and i'm young and just sitting here rotting. i told myself this summer i was going to read all the books, work on my photos, finish my portfolio, and culture myself with a bunch of movies. study another language even. but i'm just sitting here like a pile doing nothing and i can't even motivate myself to do nothing and it sucks. and i've taken little to no photos this summer.

there are days like this when i feel good. the weather is a perfect 75 degrees and the sun is setting behind the branches of the tall trees in my backyard. kira is next to me, sniffing around the grass and lounging by my feet. i've got a glass of iced tea next to me and i've got bastille blasting in the background. my mom's cooking a delicious dinner inside and i'm just happy.

i'm usually content after i get back from work. since i had been working all day, i don't feel bad at all just relaxing and blobbing around. but a whole day of just blobbing? nope. likewise, when i come back home on a weekend during the school year i love just laying around.

i work almost 5-6 days a week, and half of those days i work a double shift (lunch and dinner). it's hard to plan stuff with friends when we're all busy with work or internships and what not. since coming back from upstate, my other manager made the schedule so this week i'm only working five days a week but one shift per day so i've had a ton of free time. i've filled it up with movie and ice cream dates with claudia, more walking and hanging out with tyler, and last night i had a giddy funplex night with four of my good high school friends. (involving laser tag and go karting with pre-teens). i'm seeing jasmine later this weekend and my schedule is full and a full schedule is a happy julia.

honestly, i just have to light a fire under my ass and get up. drag myself outside and run a lap, go to the library and borrow some books, get out of my bed and try working in the backyard or on the kitchen table. i just need to remember that i have to motivate myself and that if i stay stationary for too long i'll vegetate.

so summer has been a half half kind of deal for me. half of the time is just pure boredom of doing nothing and not doing anything because i'm too tired from work to do things and see people. the other half is just blissful happiness at home.

random post with no photos, yeah. just writing down my MANY FEELINGSA BOUT LiFE and i just saw pacific rim and i'm in absolute love.

rambles: photography school

i've always been self taught. i've learned what i know from the internet and countless hours fiddling on photoshop. so my decision to go to school for photography always poked at my pride. i liked being self taught. i liked never taking a class before. but then i realized that if i went to school for anything else i would not be as happy. could i have gone to school for anthropology, psychology, biology, or even law? probably. but this was such a unique experience, living in new york city and studying the craft that is my life and being exposed to so many opportunities and new ways of thinking - i couldn't say no.

sometimes i get mad or angry or just frustrated and jealous that i'm not shooting around the world and doing this as my job without schooling. but i have to remember, success is a mysterious cocktail and just because some people have found success through the internet and their own accords does not necessarily mean i will. when you think about it, there are only a few of them that have this kind of self made success. maybe it's not for everyone, maybe it's not for me.

the thing is, i love school. i love learning. even though right now i'm in an art school (per say), i am still going to pursue a double major in psychology. why? because i just really fucking love learning. so could i have gone to school for a different discipline and been happy? yes. i would have been perfectly happy studying genetics or bio of something like that. but then my life would become more tests, more worrying about grades, following a strict regiment and to prep myself for grad school or i don't know. maybe not. i guess the reason why i didn't choose the "independent" pathway is because i wanted to go to college. i don't want to be in the real world right now. i wanted to live in a dorm and have room mates and go to class and school events and just live in the "protective" school world for just a little bit longer. i'm not just paying for my degree, i'm paying for the experience of being in college and what i do with my degree rests all on me.

life is more than what you do with your subjective major. people can get degrees in english, painting, spanish, math, dance, finance, chemistry....it's what you so with yourself. some fields are more keen on employment but just because you won't be making a huge salary does not mean it isn't worth it.

then sometimes i get to thinking that maybe i am just not good enough and that i'm simply fooling myself. but i can't measure my "success" right now just because i haven't shot anything or had any internships. by measuring my worth by external "commercial" sources is not what i want to do or should do. i remind myself, my body of work may not be great - but i know where i want to take it and i know i can make it so.

i don't want to plan my life, i just want it to be an adventure full of surprises. i want to volunteer abroad, i want to find an story i'm passionate about and take a million pictures, i want to live everywhere. i know i have the determination and ambition to do what i want, i guess sometimes when i stay at home for too long (it's been over a month at home) i get restless and terribly bored.

i can never forget that i cannot let anyone else define my own success but me. i cannot judge my life with other people's lives and measure what each of us has done. it doesn't work like that. just because i get a job at a company i revere does not mean "i've made it." it's all on me to do what i want and there is no point fussing.

eh, these rambles are just to hash out my ideas and feels. these are my feels don't take me too seriously. i blame the economy and government for all of this.

last night of the semester

i was experimenting with my flash and 200 color film, and i loved the results. today was the last day for me (i didn't move out until a few days later, but ya know). we had our final show in the morning and then we were done, it's just so weird that....i'm done. what? here i wrote a lil existential/not really blurb on the night before i moved out ~le tumblr~

it’s finally over and it just feels weird. i swear to god just yesterday i was listening to the heavy plastic bins rolling against the gravel as we tried to frantically move and settle in into a completely new environment.

as the year went on i stuck more things on my wall, added more miscellaneous pieces of paper into my drawers, and filled my shelf up with trinkets i stumbled up and with lots of negatives of things i saw that i probably should have put in a protective negative sleeve.

it was strange when i first accidentally called my dorm room “home” because home was in new jersey with my family and my dog. but this was home too. my warm teal sheets the color of the summer sky and my paisley printed blankets i wrapped myself in during cold nights. the stupidly small kitchen stocked full of mugs and food because we love to cook. and the common room with our old christmas stockings still on the wall because we never had the heart to take it down.

at first it was denial that this year would be over, i expected myself to say “see you next week” and rush home to finish work so i could go out and explore for the weekend. some of my photo family met up that night and talked while i snapped a bunch of shots with my film camera and we hugged goodbye afterwards and it just felt weird and wrong that i wasn’t going to be seeing them for such a long time.

now that so many people have left the dorm is awkwardly empty and the walls are bare and white and look like no one has ever been here. pieces of tape and paper i stuck up are gone as am i. my room mate has left and it feels so strange that once you take the sheets of the mattress the room is officially no longer yours and it’s just an empty template waiting for the next person.

it feels weird because this place has become my home and it sounds cliche as fuck but i really am a different person than i was a year ago and this place is a part of it. i’m so excited for the coming semester and school year but a part of me wants to rewind the clock so i can spend one more week in 504 south waking up on a rainy sunday morning and listening to the excess of police sirens blaring down third avenue.

let's not get to sentimental here, but it was honestly a great year full of amazing people.

my photography thoughts and rambles and goals

hm, when i stop and think about it - i think my favorite thing to photograph is the way people interact with their environment. that's why i was so intrigued with created biographical styled photos in my friend's rooms. and this is why i love stalking people on the streets, not only because they fascinate me but i want to photograph an area. i don't like photographs without people in it. if i wanted to photograph the side of the building, i would wait in the bushes until someone walked past that wall. the reason i like street-stalking is just to watch people exist and thrive in their natural habitat.

so perhaps in college i'll explore this idea more, how environments influence their people, how people influence their environments, and simply just capturing the interaction, curiosity, and the aesthetics of it.

and as i've adventured further and further into the world of fotografi....i've realized how much i've come to dislike certain styles of photography. one half of me hates it simply because it's just a shot of a pretty girl, no big deal. but again, i am a filthy hypocrite and i do it myself sometimes. what i really admire and appreciate is when a photographer is able to take that gorgeous model and utilize their best features into something truly beautiful. so a lot of people i follow do this, even though the model is beautiful and contributes greatly to the photo's value - the photographer is the talented one that knows how to work the model.

but then again there are the people who solely rely on the beauty of the model for their photos, and that is shameful!

now, what i will ramble on next is simply my PERSONAL OPINION! (as is everything else) i have already stated that i am a hypocrite and i would love to shoot a ginger queen with icy blue eyes. but when i really think and dig deep into the reason why i photograph, i truly do not like the fashion industry or the beauty industry or any of these industries for that matter. sometimes all the photos people take are of skinny, beautiful, bright eyed beauties. everyone. is. beautiful in their photos. and for average people like myself, this sucks on the self esteem level. now, as 18 years old it doesn't really matter to me as much.....but as a young girl this was incredibly demoralizing. the media and society's emphasis on physical appearances and the need to be beautiful and perfect and fair skinned and pretty eyed was so strong that i hated how i looked for such a long time. i couldn't be beautiful because i wasn't them. and these photographs, these industries, the use of these rarely beautiful people only emphasizes this societal mind set.

so what i truly aim to do is photograph what the normal eye doesn't notice. the true beauty in a person. regardless of how they look. people often tell me my subjects are pretty and i just tilt my head in confusion and go, yeah - i guess they are!

i photograph my friends (or people i find fascinating). if you asked me if my friend was physically pretty i wouldn't know what to say. it's because i don't notice it. it don't care about it. i guess if i step back and really think about it, yeah i have pretty friends i guess. but it honestly doesn't matter at all to me, because i see them for who they are to me - and that is beautiful. as someone once put it, my friends and the people i love exist in a separate circle than the rest of the world that i may judge.

if i can capture honesty and personality and truth and "inner beauty" in my photos, i have succeeded. i don't think i'm there yet. i somewhat blame this on my sheltered life and abundance of school work the last two years for my photographic "lameness." but this is my goal and this is my purpose.

(but of course, i do cave in occasionally -hey i'm human- and dabble in solely aesthetic photos as well for practice (but i still kinda do stick to my mantra). but i'm starting to not like it as much. like the recent tyler and ellen photos were more on the aesthetic range and i don't like it as much as i love spontaneity)

i should probably include a photo....

zainab and i at NYU's weekend on the square. and i officially paid my deposit!!!! oh, and this year they only accepted 33 people into my program. :O

look what i found. "the great catsby" by f. scott whiskgerald.

christmas to me

ever since i can remember, christmas to me has never been a religious holiday. coming from a non-religious family, i didn't have to go to church or do other religious shenangins my classmates did. there is a bit of a buddhist flair in some of my parent's teaching, but i think that's more cultural than religious. 

that's why i get confused when someone once asked: wait, if you're not religious why do you celebrate christmas? the answer is simple, i believe christmas has transformed into a cultural holiday over the ages. (i think there's a more sophisticated response [ like the true origin of the tree ], but this is just my personal view.) the cookies, the milk, the warm fire, the bright lights, the presents.....don't have anything to do with any religion. christmas to me is waking up at 8am to open presents, it's decorating the tree with lights and do-dads, it's walking down the street and seeing dangling lights in the distance, it's listening to christmas songs on the radio as the streetlamps vroom past the iced car window, it's drinking hot chocolate and laughing with family, it's eating great food with family, it's just a time where things are honestly just "jolly" and happy.

day 365

today is the end of my 365. one whole year.

i feel compelled to explain myself.

on july 8th, i decided start my 365. little did i know, sophomore year is was going to be one of the toughest years of high school and that i would get all the infamously hard teachers. i started it anyway. today is july 14th, and i finish my 365. you're wondering: wait, the 14th? during field hockey preseason, i was too tired from all that physically demanding exercise, that i didn't take any photos. but when early september rolled around i picked up my camera and continued.

as many of you that follow me know, i only uploaded on time around 30% of the time. as you know, all honors classes = a lot of work. i'd update on weekends.

some people give up on their 365, claiming that their lives were busy. my life was hella busy and i f'ing finished it. i feel incredibly proud of myself for not giving up. but i knew i wasn't going to give up, i'm a stubbornly persistent person.

first, i want to thank every single person that has supported my work this year - it means the world to me. even though numbers don't matter, ever single person that appreciates something makes me feel happy inside <333

now here is where i talk about how this changed my life. well, in all truthness from year to year we all change - become new people. but having a 365 let's you actually see and feel how you changed. it let's you remember.

half of my 365 were snapshots (not good photos), but they remind me of the day that they were taken.i feel like if i didn't have all that crap schoolwork, my 365 would have been tremendously better and i would definitely have improved more. do i wish i did this freshman year? yes i do. but then again, that would change a lot of things.

but life you know, does what it wants. i'm not sad it's ending, because i'm not going to stop. i'm just glad that the stress is over and i have time to myself. sure, it doesn't take much out of my day to take a 365 - but it's all that's on your mind. + i've got a ton of new projects i want to start + i plan to do the 52 weeks project as well.

this year has been a huge year for me.

- it was my first actual year with photography (i started around jan 09...but didn't know what i was doing till i started my 365)

- i decided that i'm going to pursue photography in life. because we live once and only once. so i mine as well live it the way i want. and i'm not going to go to some random college and then regret for not taking art.

so what if i'm unemployed? i'm ready for some adventure, some fun, working and living by the little that i earn. maybe finding my big break. my life is too normal, i want to live an adventure.

- i became close with many of my friends, and i'm grateful to have them in my life.

- i also met a lot of friends via twitter/flickr/tumblr/& deviantart. this is why i love the internet, i would've never known these wonderful people without it.

- i've also got into flickr, and i plan to use mine all the time now :D

- i do feel like i'm a year older. i've made more mistakes, learned from them, and opened my eyes a bit wider to the world around me.

this ties into my last 365. it's not a picture of me during golden hour throwing my arms into the sky. and it's not  epic. i was inspired when i saw something on my tumblr dashboard that said "i wish i could turn back time and fix my mistakes" with a good amount of notes.

i don't wish this, because without mistakes - how would we learn and become better? everyone makes them, it's a part of life. your experiences become part of you and personality. it's not something time can wish away.

every little strand (beautiful or ugly) become a part of me. happy and sad moments that make me the person i am. i left the other braid empty because 1) takes forever to do and 2) i want to to show that places i have yet to go, the people i have yet to meet, and the things i have yet to experience.

( i wanted to sort my rant away from my usual photo/out takes post, so find it all here)

thank you all for everything!

believing

as many of you know (and now you do) i'm not religious. the following below is my belief, if you don't like it - don't read it. this is my blog. this is a sensitive topic to some, but again - it's my blog, right?

i was raised without any religion imposed upon me, so i was able to live with a free mind and a free heart. i do believe some of my family is christian...seeing as we celebrate christmas. (and technically since my cousin married a jewish australian dude - i'm like .0001% jewish? i wish.....) and i know my parents are influenced by buddhism (growing up in taiwan). i don't know much about buddhism, much to do with respecting ancestors and such. no idea though.

i thank my parents for never putting a religion upon me, it's one of the things i'm forever grateful for. i feel like when your parents impose their religion upon at a young age - you become that in a way. it's the way it's always been, is there any other way? (again, doesn't always apply but i'm just saying in general at times) i believe children should be able to choose what religion/or no religion to believe.

what i think is: if you want to believe in (insert religion here) religion, believe in it. what's important ( and what i think ) is that you CHOOSE to and want to - not because someone told you. that's what i respect, believe in what you want - not what someone tells you to.

and i choose to believe in nothing but following your heart. don't let rules or restrictions interfere. i have no heaven, i have no god, i have no hell. i have life, right here on earth. and if given another chance at life maybe i'd come back. my beliefs are a mixture of reality, dreams, and numerous of sci-fi books. ;)

my favorite interpretation of death is in the book ELSEWHERE, google it. basically, when you die - you get sailed on this boat across the river (kind of like egyptian mythology) to elsewhere. you age backwards until you are 0, and are sent across/down the river back to earth. i don't want to spoil anything else, so read it for yourself! i read it when i was 13...so maybe it's a different read now, but the concept is great nonetheless.

my other favorite god-being thing interpretation of death and life are like two girls. (i forgot which book, sorry!) sisters, each a vital part of the cycle of existence. except life is revered and death is misunderstood. this is her duty, without her there is no life. i don't really like the "devil" interpretation of things. dying is just another stage of life, not an evil thing. when my time comes, my time comes. (the later the better though ;P)

but never take this as hating on religion - i find it fascinating. my favorite ones are in which there are numerous of deities - like native american, indian, greek, egyptian....etc. i like personifying nature. i like how there are conflicting forces. never one overall god. (greek is my favorite though, i'm obsessed with greek mythology)

(the following is my little bible of my beliefs)

a lot of religions focusing on doing pious work on this planet - so that in the next life/next step it's better. but the thing is.....is there another step, another chapter? you're given ONE chance, never waste moment of it. there is to "restart" or "rewind" button.

don't spend your life impressing or appeasing something intangible or might not even be there, spend it selfishly and selflessly. helping/inspiring others and living your life the way you want to live.

be the person who you want to be, and never regret. cherish and love nature. that's my religion. (maybe i should just start my own, haha)

i want to look back on my life at the ripe age of 103, and say - i don't regret one moment of it.

maybe there is a greater being up there, maybe there isn't. besides - we're all just petty little humans, what do we know? (and what are we to judge?)